Find A Way
by Devilsova
Summary: Sometimes you hear yourself thinking about how much you want him to make her unhappy only so she can run back into your arms.


**Title:** Find a way  
**Author:** Well, me obviously  
**Fandom:** Criminal Minds  
**Pairing:** JJ/Emily, who else ?  
**Rating:** I'm not good at rating. I'd say, 13 or 14.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own any character but if I did, we all know there would have been no stupid Detective at all.  
**Spoilers:** I guess from the season 4.  
**AN:** This is my first fanfiction. Actually it's a oneshot. I felt like writing down Emily's pain. Oh and english isn't my first language so, sorry for the big mistakes. :S. While writing it, I was listenning to SafetySuit. Mostly "Find a way", "Stay", "Down" and "What if", so if you want to get in the mood, you know what to do :).  
**Summary:** Sometimes you hear yourself thinking about how much you want him to make her unhappy only so she can run back into your arms.

You feel ridiculously sick. You can't move, you can't breathe. Your stomach hurts, your eyes barely open, your throat hurts, everything hurts. Your legs are trembling under yourself as you took unsteady steps toward her, reaching for the wall as you go because you're afraid you might break. You feel your heart bouncing like a drum and are actually surprised the rest of your team isn't able to hear it. You're only a few steps left from her. She's pathetically beautiful, you think, so beautiful it should be censored. Everything around you is disappearing as you slowly make your way to her. She looks up at you and her icy blue eyes are freezing you inside. You can't help a shiver and pray she hadn't seen it. It's just another day you spend hiding your feelings and the words you want to say are everything but innocently:

"**What's up?" **

She stared at you incredulously as if she expected something else from your mouth. And as you're becoming aware of the policemen around her leaving you both together you start to freak out. Again. She seems to be waiting for you to say something, as if she hadn't heard your first sentence. Your mouth is soaring by the desire. You desperately want to lean in and catch her lips. You want to say something but in some kind of way, your mouth isn't able to make a sound, helplessly hypnotized by her golden blond hair. She stops looking at you when her phone is suddenly making rough sounds and you immediately feel empty, lost and cold. When you realize whose name is written on her phone you feel your heart tearing apart but you don't make a move and certainly don't show your pain.

You're late. Always a few steps behind when it comes to her. You were late meeting her and joining the team and still are when it comes to her love life. _Don't. Answer. _ You silently beg into your head, puppy eyes shed with tears of yours and your mouth twisting for not being able to pronounce those words. So she turns back and you can still hear her heels hitting the floor. It gives you a headache, but you're sure you could pass it by when you'd feel your heart shattering.

You think you would and should be the one holding her neck right now, pulling her close to reach her soft lips and can't help yourself but falling apart once more. And secretly, only, you hope that maybe she's also thinking about you when she kisses him. You want to scream just how unfair it is. But you shut up because she seems happy and you can't ruin her life like she did yours, you know how it feels and you wouldn't wish that ever for your worst enemy. Sometimes you hear yourself thinking about how much you want him to make her unhappy only so she can run back into your arms. Then you realize you always were and always be stuck on her. You can't help yourself but falling in love with her each and every single day she steps in that room, giving you the folders you will barely look at, much more focused on her beauty. But you can't keep your eyes on her; you have to be careful, surrounded by profilers. So every once in a while, you glance at her, hoping she'll be looking at you. And she is. And you heart is bouncing around but she's suddenly gone. Sometimes you think about catching her, and drive her into the corner just to tell her the way she makes you feel but you can't and know you never could.

It's been a while since the two of you had sex for the first time. Because it's only been sex, at least for her and you know it because she immediately ran back into that detective arms. You can't say his name because it's breaking you even more. And she announced she was pregnant. You couldn't help but giving her an optimistic smile but deep inside yourself you were dying. Once more. Sometimes you hate her for not being able to notice your pain. But how could she? You've never told her how madly in love you were. And you can't afford telling her. She would never understand, she could never forgive you for betraying her. Tears were running out of your eyes that night again in the hotel room in New-York. From that night you were living a nightmare, everyday, dealing with her and her pregnant body. Despite the pain it was causing you, you couldn't help but think she was damn beautiful. If only… No. And when that Cyrus asked who the FBI between Reid and you was, you suddenly felt the need to say it was you, just to feel the pain, somewhere else because your heart couldn't deal with it anymore. You felt like a release when he was hitting you and that's why you kept repeating yourself that you could handle it. You must have been born like some kind of a martyr because you always were a broken heart since you were young. This time is different and you can tell it by the way your body is reacting to her presence. You mind spinning around when she looks up to you and your body shivering by her own touch. You start thinking about a way to confess your feelings. There's no easy way out you think and telling her would certainly cause her a shock. But you can't live like this anymore. You're imagining the worst reactions ever and start considering leaving your job if it's bad enough. The last case was pretty rough. Some thousands of victims but you managed to save that girl and it was worth it. You know the whole team had been affected by this investigation and that's why you think it's the best moment to tell her. Being vulnerable would probably make her understand more. You find your way out to her hotel room but somehow, in front of her door, you're still hesitant. You think you thought you heard sobs in the inside but you're too broken to take the chance to come in so you keep knocking. She barely pronounces a yes but you know she's answered positively. As you come in, the sight is hardly bearable. She's standing on the desk of her desk, on hand on it, the other covering her face, certainly drying her eyes.

"**Jay…"** you start to say and you stop when she turns her back to face you, her lightly blue eyes turning into a dark red. Her face wet with tears she must have been crying. It's certainly not the moment to open your heart out to her. "Come in" she says in a husky whisper and that's when you realize you're still standing on her doorstep. You can't say a word and as you reach her, placing a delicate gentle hand on her back to comfort her, she's looking at you with those tired eyes as if she's been struggling all day and all night long. As your mouth is opening and closing right away, you realize you don't have to talk because she'll be making the conversation. You need her to know you'll always be there for her, no matter how and in what kind of way.

"**I'm tired Emily. So sick and tired of…"** She stops, taking a long deep breath and you start to wonder if she's really crying about the case.

"…**of pretending everything was okay. I'm not that girl. Never were, never will."**

"**What kind of girl JJ?"** You start when you understand she isn't going further.

"**The girl I currently am!"**. She's nearly shouting. And you can feel her anger, it's like she's been keeping it inside of her for so long and if she needs to cry herself out, you're glad she'd chosen you. Even if it means she has to break you once again.

"**I don't und."** You try but you can't actually say another word because your mouth is suddenly stuck on hers. And as you find yourself pushed against the wall, you think you're dreaming. And you're glad she's too busy reaching for your inner lip that she can't see the tear falling from your eyes because you don't believe her, you don't think it's real. It's like wishful thinking. You think she only uses you to fill the hole in her heart right now and can't stand it knowing that she will run back into _his_ arms right after that. So you push her away. And the look on her face seems like a bad dream you can't wake up from. You're actually surprised too you found the strength to push her away from you when your entire body was screaming for more, desperately aching for her. She is shocked, hurt and frustrated. You can tell it by the look in her eyes as she tries to walk away. Running a hand in her hair, you can even hear her sigh loudly.

"**It's not fair"** She says.

"**What isn't?"** Your mouth is speaking but your brain is still trying to recover from the kiss.

But you don't even need and answer from her because you actually know what she's talking about. You silently start to hate her for being so selfish, refusing to see your pain, your love for her. If she isn't satisfied by her man, why'd she stay with him? Why wouldn't she finally come to you? You start to realize you're crying when she's looking at you with a questioning look. You know that all she wants is to forget something and she only way for her is to fuck you. Or at least, to fuck someone that won't be bothering her after then. But you're tired too. You tired of pretending to be someone you're not too. You want to scream. You can hardly see, your eyes filled with tears you haven't expected. She takes one step to you. One. Two. Three. And she's standing right in front of you. You can tell it by the heat that is escaping from her body to reach yours. She uses her hand to reach your jaw and make you look up at her.

"**You were blind to me now I'm blind to you."** You say, surprisingly quoting a song you like.

She seems hurt and you immediately regret the words you've just spoken out. She retires her hand, looking down. You hate yourself right now for hurting her but you can't help yourself but feeling satisfied.

"**I know I may not be the best person you'v… I just."** Sighs and sniffs. **"I… I know you love me Emily." **She says as she raised her head to face you. You're too shocked you don't notice the tears falling from her eyes. A million thoughts are running through your brain and it's not even bearable. You need to sit down. How could you have been so blind? All this time trying to hide how you really felt. Pouring yourself apart not to hurt the friend you thought she was. You need to calm down and as she keeps going, you barely hear what she's saying. You hear about knowing she hurt you badly, being sorry and some kind of a Will. You only choke when you hear what you desperately been dying to hear from her. **"I love you too"**. She says, as if it was obvious, trying to hold your head to face hers. The eyes full of tears, you look into her eyes and you can tell she's honest because of the blush on her face and the tears streaming down. All of this time. All those nights you two have spent wrapping into each other's arms, she was feeling the exact same way! It can't be true. She can't be serious. She would have never gone with someone else if she actually was in love with you. The only thought of her loving you makes you tremble. She notices your every move and tries to comfort you by resting her hand over your leg. You're dying once more. Not sure if it's a good or a bad thing anymore.

"**I love you!"** You manage to say, your voice filled with tears, it's almost an accusation and it's barely understandable but she doesn't blink.

"**I know…Always have."**

"**Why don't you give us a try?"  
**  
**"It wouldn't work"**

And she seems so honest that you can't help but cry out loud, both sobbing into each other's arms. But you know she knows you love her and you know she loves you almost as much as you do. You can't blame her for bringing your hopes down because you somehow know she's right. It wouldn't work. The two of you are too different and too apart to be together. Not to mention the fact that you're working together. You're too lost in your mind that you don't see her leaning in to kiss you. You don't push away this time. You know she means it. When she sees you're not moving away, she pulls you close to her, so much closer to fill the space. You're almost suffocating by her presence, overwhelmed. But it feels good, and different from the kissed you used to share. She pushes you down to the bed where you can smell her perfume, and you know, you're convinced; she's been sleeping in here alone, thinking of you. You hands are desperately reaching for her body. You roughly undo the spots of her blouse only to feel her soft hot skin under your hands. It feels so good it makes you want to cry. She can't help the moan escaping from her lips. Groaning in your mouth as your, and hers, hands reach for your pants. Somehow, you know despite the pain, despite what she said, that from this moment, everything will be different. You know it isn't about sex anymore, and you know that as she's making love to you, that she'll try to find a way to make it work.


End file.
